just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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