thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
