We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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