My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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