What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
