Please, let me fuck your mom
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
