Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
