you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
