He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
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My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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