Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
