Someone shit on the floor
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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