What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
