I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
