The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize