Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
