That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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