Farmville is her only friend.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
