Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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