i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
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She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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