i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
