did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
