Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
