Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
