the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
