were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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