Welp...herpes.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
