my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
