I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
