when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
