i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
