Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
People in love make me want to vomit
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
