every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD