dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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