4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
