The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
