I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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