Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
