I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
