Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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