Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
