So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
