I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Its about making memories worth repressing
time to smoke my breakfast
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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