my phone needs a breathalizer
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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