You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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