i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
