there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
