Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
