if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
