Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
