Just cropdusted the office
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
