I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
