well I can't set my house on fire every night
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
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Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
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It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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