I looked at my own cervix.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
