Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
