I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
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I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize