my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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